Story Warz

[krubby]

Riftoff and I were both telling stories in the chatbox. I expect him to post his story here, or at least however much he's done so far. Here's mine, which is clearly superior.

I'm being sarcastic for those who are DUMB out there

The Misadventures of Snookums
Once upon a time there was a foolish young man named Snookums. Snookums was very popular, and had many friends. He was constantly invited to parties. One day, he was invited to the sleepover party of his good friend, Haun B. Wulf. At the party, were some of his other friends. Their names were Giggles, Riftoff, Krubby, Speedblader, and Nue. However, at the stroke of midnight, Snookums had to make a trip to the bathroom. While he was in there, a shadow passed through the open window. While everyone was looking away, a small, red, smiling donkey lunged into the sleeping bag of Snookums. This beast was known only as "Mr. Donkey Neigh-Neigh". Snookums returned, but didn't get in, because Riftoff was telling a story. Mr. Donkey Neigh Neigh activated his saddle. At lightning speed, he started combining oxygen, carbon, hydrogen and nitrogen into molecules. They formed molecules with the chemical formula of C3N3H5O9. Also known as… NITROGLYCERIN! Riftoff suddenly started having trouble telling his story, as some mental error would not allow him to speak his tale. So Snookums headed for his sleeping bag, unaware of the reddish blur darting out the window. He got into his sleeping bag and his feet rubbed against the sleeping bag causing a tiny spark of static. Igniting the explosives. The nitroglycerin blasted off, but Snookums had his foot pointed in a way that caused the entire force knock into his one small toe. His toe was blasted to smithereens, but Snookums was okay, minus a toe. (The nerves were destroyed so fast, he didn't even feel any pain). Everyone else however, did not fare so well.

In the morning, Snookums awoke from where he had passed out, the gory remnants of his friends and debris from Haun's house littering the area. Snookums realized that Mr. Donkey Neigh-Neigh must have come in through the window, and Snookums knew how to get back at him. Snookums had been invited to a party that day by another friend he had, who coincidentally was also named Haun B. Wulf. The house was identical to the late Wulf's house, and everyone there had the same name, personality, and looks. Snookums locked all of the windows and doors in the house, and made sure there was no way for Neigh-Neigh to get in. Giggles had not arrived though, which worried Snookums. Finally he saw her driving down the street in an 18-wheeler. There was an open-topped container on the back of it, and it was filled to the brim with twinkies. Snookums wasn't surprised, for Giggles had a crippling obsession for twinkies, and probably would eat every single one and not share any.

[21:09] giggles: ew
[21:09] giggles: wtf
[21:09] giggles: i hate that crap
[21:10] speedblader03: perhaps it's another person named giggles?
[21:10] giggles: i'd hope so.

No one noticed the red blur zoom into the massive pile of artificial goodness that Giggles, whose real name was Aleena Hayatt, so coveted. Nor did they see it when she brought the container in on her handy-dandy forklift and so Snookums thought he was safe. Of course, the same events happened again, though Snookums was completely uninjured because he was shielded by the few fluffy twinkies that had not yet been ingested.

Now Snookums was out for revenge! It just so happened that there was a third party that was identical to the previous two that night. So that time, before the party, he went to a Hostess factory with Giggles and showed her how twinkies were made. Repulsed, Giggles agreed not to eat any twinkies, at least for that night. Snookums closed all the windows in Wulf's house and Giggles came in a tiny one seat car that Neigh-Neigh couldn't hide in. Snookums only knew two riftoffs, however, and both were now dead. Curious, he went over to see the last person, who normally would have been riftoff, arrive. The person’s name was… Mr. Riftoff Neigh-Neigh!!! Snookums knew that this was a terrible ruse by Neigh-Neigh. He reached for the knife he kept in his back pocket... and stabbed Mr. Riftoff Neigh-Neigh through the heart! R. Neigh-Neigh's last words were "What did I... do... wrong?" As the life left his eyes, Snookums was mortified at the fact that he had just murdered an innocent person. Mr. Donkey Neigh-Neigh, meanwhile, revealed his hidden power. If someone commits murder in cold blood, he could immediately teleport to them. Snookums last sight was the air rippling before him, a small, smiling, red donkey appear before him, and then fire shooting towards him.
The End
Yeah, it totally had these paragraphs the entire time. I didn't edit it, Egonny is just lying

[Riftoff]

And here's the first part of my story:

Mendh walked out from his room at the temple. Monday had rolled around and it was time to pick up the new shipment of anj moros. Mendh doesn't get out often what with the importance of his daily duties and savors the time he spends outside, drinking in the visage of the banyan trees and organic canals all throughout the city. The temple lies just north of the center of the city, so he must walk a crooked path southeast through the alleys and over bridges that have worn out their welcome and structural support to get to the JI District's reedhouse.

Mendh began thinking idly of the week ahead. Hours spent praying over the sick, maybe a few would be pulled from their dire straits, just like a few days before. The War had been thirty years ago, but some of the disease still lingers to this day. Through either divine providence or divine sense of irony, the diseases that persisted were the among the least virulent from The War. Swollen lungs and muscular weakness are nothing compared to the horrors of yesteryear. Mendh thanked the divine that he was only 24 and had his experience limited to the now extinct diseases to books and conversations from the elders in the temple.

The cracked stone pathway gave way to the matted dirt path leading up to the reedhouse. Reedhouses were often the tallest building in their district and the JI reedhouse was no exception, towering a total of five stories. That's not to say the JI reedhouse was at all imposing, it was built in the classical prewar architecture where flimsy and thin-looking were the prevailing styles. Mendh pushed the banyan door in and walked inside, greeted with the overpowering smell of mint and grain alcohol. Mendh realizes that he has never even had a sip of alcohol himself, but doesn't dwell on it as he walks up the glorified ladder called a staircase.
Mendh deftly climbed the rungs of staircase, avoiding the pitfalls and flimsier steps he had learned of in the months past fulfilling this duty. Mendh reached the fourth floor in the hurried concentration he came to expect in his experiences at the reedhouse. Mendh reminded himself that only the most inebriated or sinister of Sennic citizens would dare attack an acolyte who worked with the postwar sick, but the creeping tendril of apprehension would not leave the edges of his conscious. Mendh’s eyes darted around the room and quickly met their target. Zirh was in his regular spot, eyes pointed at the ledger taking up most of his side of the small table.

Zirh looked up as Mendh sat down.
“Early as always, M.”, Zirh said.
“I get a little more time to breathe the fresh air before morning pistil and mortar duties this way.”
“Haha, look at the little priestboy stretching the rules! Why, you’ll be moving the anj moros yourself at this rate.”
“It would be a great cover, would it not?”
“Bah, knowing you, you’d charge right through some blockade with that shit-eating grin and get caught with hundreds of coins worth of the stuff. You’re too self-assured to make it far in this business. Rule number one, never get confident. That’s when you end up working hard at The Pillar for a few years.”
“Spare me the lecture, Z. How’s business?”
“Up and down. The vich have cracked down hard on EJ district. Got some friends over there laying low.”
“Any particular reason for the increased vich action?”
“Divine only knows. It’s always ‘Soandso ratted out Whatshisface’ with new names with every new person who tells you the story ‘til you can’t tell your mouth from your nose.”

Zirh took a sip from a steaming beverage, and set it precariously close to the edge of the table.
“So, anyway, how’s life among the not-quite-living?”
“The family I was telling you about last month is nearly ready to move back into their home, but there will always be others that will be in our temple for years, maybe the rest of their life. Any case, the anj moros keeps them all a little more hopeful”
“I was referring to your overlords over there.” Zirh chuckled. “But it is good to hear that there is still some real good in the world. Poor bastards have got to have somewhere to turn to.”
“We do what we must, though it’s impossible to not take some pride in what we do.”
“Well, you earned your pride, kid. Don’t let your ideals get to far in the way of yourself… Speaking of things you’ve earned, the shipment…”
“Is in its usual place?”
“Correct.”
“Here’s the credit.” Mendh passed a small piece of ornately branded leather to Zirh.”I talked our secretary into giving you the preboom price. Should cover any new expenses incurred with the crackdowns or whatever other expense you deem necessary.”
“I’m all about necessity.” Zirh pointed to the steaming drink. “Thank you very much, M.”
“And thank you too, Z. I’ll keep you in my blessings.” Mendh got up from his seat, moved his right hand to this neck, thumb inward, in traditional salute and walked back to the stairwell.

[giggles]

[Egonny]

Riftoff won because he used paragraphs so I don't have to hurt my eyes reading a giant block of text.

[BAMF]

its like I'm watching John Steinbeck and Ernest Hemingway fist fight

[Dick Trickle]

can anyone else join?

[Burnerman]

[krubby]

can anyone else join?

I don't see any reason why you couldn't.

[krubby]

The War of Planet Cow

(Warning: May not be suitable for those under 63 years, 235 days, 7 hours, 49 minutes, 12 seconds old.)









It all started when our overrated adventurer, Cow, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling abundantly relieved, Cow deflowered a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a tragically predictable turn of events, he realized that his beloved titties were missing! Immediately he called his so-called best friend, Shīt. Cow had known Shīt for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Shīt was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... stupid. Cow called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.



Shīt picked up to a very glad Cow. Shīt calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies yawn before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually charismatically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Cow. Why was Shīt trying to distract Cow? Because he had snuck out from Cow's with the titties only three days prior. They were striking little titties... how could he resist?



It didn't take long before Cow got back to the subject at hand: his titties. Shīt sneezed. Reluctantly, Shīt invited him over, assuring him they'd find the titties. Cow grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Shīt realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the titties and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Cow took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least seven minutes before Cow would get there. But if he took the Shītmobile? Then Shīt would be very screwed.



Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Shīt was interrupted by six oafish Fücks that were lured by his titties. Shīt grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he aggressively reached for his potato and fearlessly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Shītmobile rolling up. It was Cow.



As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Cow was out of the Shītmobile and went sassily jaunting toward Shīt's front door. Meanwhile inside, Shīt was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the titties into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his elephant. Shīt was concerned but at least the titties were concealed. The doorbell rang.



'Come in,' Shīt flamboyantly purred. With a inept push, Cow opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid zealous...zealot in a time machine,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Shīt assured him. Cow took a seat right next to where Shīt had hidden the titties. Shīt sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Cow was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Shīt noticed a pestering look on Cow's face. Cow slowly opened his mouth to speak.



'...What's that smell?'



Shīt felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Cow asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the titties right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Cow's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatoes from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Cow nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Shīt could react, Cow skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The titties were plainly in view.



Cow stared at Shīt for what must've been eleven days. Just as zero people expected Shīt groped sassily in Cow's direction, clearly desperate. Cow grabbed the titties and bolted for the door. It was locked. Shīt let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Cow,' he rebuked. Shīt always had been a little funny-smelling, so Cow knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Shīt did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. As if it really mattered he gripped his titties tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.



Shīt looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Cow. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Cow. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Shīt walked over to the window and looked down. Cow was gone.





Just yonder, Cow was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Shīt's place. Cow had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Fücks suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the titties. One by one they latched on to Cow. Already weakened from his injury, Cow yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Fücks running off with his titties.



About eight hours later, Cow awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Cow did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely imaginary desert, Cow was barely lost. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased deity, he remembered that his titties were taken by the Fücks. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated Fück emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha Fück. Cow opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Fück sunk its teeth into Cow's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Cow's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.



Less than nine miles away, Shīt was entombed by anguish over the loss of the titties. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened banana. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Cow... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained were the titties that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Fücks, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.

[TheSpectre8276]

this is what I feel about this. c:

[_Pipeline]

Speaking as a self-proclaimed hack:

Will post something horrendous of my own here sooner or later.

[PhrozenFlame]

One day I'll post the whole Crocket story up here, and you can be sad at how boring it is. Right now it's almost 1 mb.