inb4 "LOL U SUCK BUT U HAV MILLION MEDICS"

THE HEAVY WEAPONS GUY!

Pros: Awe-inspiring damage at close range, high health, excellent leetle-cart-pusher.

Cons: Painfully slow, large head (fuck you Gabe), large back, tunnel vision.

Natural Prey: Pyro

Natural Predators: Spy, Sniper

WEAPONS COMPARISON!

Sasha vs. Natascha

The minigun: Capable of solving up to two hundred problems per ammo load. Contrary to popular belief, Natascha is actually very good at what it does - kill scouts. Unfortunately, its awful against everything almost everything else with the exception of pyros, and accurate fire from Sasha does almost as good a job at killing those particular types of cowards. Natascha is a situational weapon for a situation that rarely occurs (facing lots of scouts).

Shotgun vs. Sandvich

The shotgun, although an excellent sidearm for other classes, does little to endear itself to massive russian men. Although it hits hard at point-blank range, similar damage can be achieved with the KGB, and you'll be rewarded with crits. Otherwise, its only handy for fighting on the move. This is, however, when the heavy is fundamentally at his weakest, and no choice of weapon can change that. You're often better off stopping and mowing down the offending bad guy with Sasha.

The sandvich, on the other hand, is a handy health boost for those rare moments you can take a lunch break from coward-killing and baby-pwning and can't find a medkit. Keep in mind that a medkit is usually preferable to a sandvich, because you aren't helpless while acquiring one. Overall, I find myself using the sandvich far more often than the shotgun.

Fists vs. KGB

The fists are faster. This can be a surprise for your enemy, but due to the very quick nature of melee fights speed is usually irrelevant. The fists are, however, completely invaluable for taunt kills, which are totally hilarious when successful.

The KGB is very handy in a pinch. A swift meaty plastic-wrapped fist to the face can finish off most enemies in a quick close-quarters skirmish, and give you crits to worry oncoming enemies. I rarely find myself missing the greater speed of the fists. One surprisingly irritating drawback to the KGB is how much of your screen it takes up.

THE GOLDEN RULE

YOU ARE INFINITELY BETTER WITH A MEDIC

THE LESS IMPORTANT OTHER RULE

NOTHING OUTMATCHES YOU AT CLOSE RANGE

CLASS MATCH-UPS
(Assuming you don't have a medic. If you do, you are infinitely better against everything.)

Heavy vs. Heavy

Whoever revs up first or gets crits wins. Despite the large amount of health you both have, heavy vs. heavy tends to be very quick.

Heavy vs. Soldier

Simple. If you aren't close, he wins. Otherwise, you win. UNLESS HE'S FUCKING WARMONGER AND HE CRITS LIKE THE HACKING MOTHE--unless he crits.

Heavy vs. Scout

Surprisingly, range plays a much less important role in this fight. If he's dancing around like the puny little man he is, he's winning because you're having trouble tracking him, and he's hitting you hard with that scattergun. If he doesn't take evasive action, you will win.

If he isn't careful, he'll get too close. In this event, sever his puny spine with a punch. Taunt him over your mic afterwards.

Heavy vs. Pyro

Unless you don't see him coming, you win. Even if he does sneak up on you, there's still a good chance you'll win. If he dances around you, you might lose. Overall, this engagement is favourable for you. If he gets you low with his fire, don't hesitate to each a sandvich.

Heavy vs. Demoman

Keep a good eye on this one-eyed guy. He's only threatening if he manages to pile up stickies around you. Otherwise, keep moving with your stubby legs so he can't peg you with grenades.

Heavy vs. Engineer

Killing the slow 125 health coward is simple, but his coward toys are a different matter. Simply get into a position to shoot at it point-blank without taking any damage. Then, step out and fire right into it. Even with the engie fixing it, one-on-one you'll win. At a long distance, your efforts are futile. The knockback is too much for your ponderous movement.

Heavy vs. Medic

He'll run away. Kill him if you can, but don't worry yourself too much. If he's healing someone other than a heavy and you're close, shoot the guy being healed. This may seem strange, but you can actually kill him really fast even with the extra health. This is especially important with pyros, who are still fragile to Sasha bullets even with healing, but can make a mess of you if you focus on the medic.

Heavy vs. Sniper

Be sneaky. Only show yourself if you have no choice. If there's a sniper watching you, bob up and down erratically. This can work surprisingly well. Go for the melee kill if he isn't looking, because that's funnier. Sometimes if a sniper forces you into cover he'll get cocky and try to come finish you off with a close-range headshot. Ventilate him. With bullets.

Heavy vs. Spy

Unless he's trying to stab you and not running away, shoot him rather than melee. Otherwise, rely on teammates watching your back. Spies are very bad for you, because there's little you can do about them if they don't suck (thankfully, most spies are terrible).

Happens to the best of us. And the worst of us.

And, really, the all of us.

Actually, I have helped Warmonger finish off Warmonger. ONCE.

So it can be done, but it's unlikely.

Guy is completely beatable if he has a jarate in his hands But he is tough to beat as a heavy. I suggest pyro with a strafe attack. Heavies and Sentries aren't too smart or fast or they are both tricked by the 'strafe, circle and flame' AKA: W, A or S + M1 pyro.
Of course that's because they have been conditioned by hoards of W + M1 pyros that are easy to mow down.

MEDICS AND YOU

Most people approach acquiring a personal healer like that of getting a guard dog - they pick the one that's most skilled/most vicious. Any wise man, however, will tell you to pick the medic/dog that's most loyal/disciplined instead. Why? Because a loyal medic will not abruptly heal someone else, and thus possibly screw you over. They don't have to be good, they just have to keep you healthy.

CARING FOR YOUR MEDIC

Remember, you're far more effective with a german following you around. If shit hits the fan, don't immediately blame him, even if it may be his fault. Pissing him off might make him stop healing you, which is bad.

PROTECTING HERR DOKTOR

When you're poking holes in people with your minigun, you probably aren't paying too much attention to your medic. This is normal. The difficulty of playing medic is to keep your patient alive without you dying. A good medic almost always outlives whoever he's healing. Nonetheless, don't hesitate to bark orders such as "OSHITUBERRUNAWAY" or "Careful, there's a sniper." Above all, staying alive is mostly the medic's responsibility.

UBER VS. KRITZ

Ubercharges are, by nature, meant for big pushes. Big pushes happen on attritional maps such as Warpath and 2fort, where there's lots of sentries eagerly mowing down any non-prepared effort. As a rule, on the offense you'll want ubers.

Defending means fighting a constant flood of bad guys that usually aren't too well protected, because they're more focused on keeping the pressure on you than securing their ability to do so. This translates that you can kritz them a lot cuz they won't have sentries or ubers. Kritzkrieg is for defense.

On maps where both sides are constantly moving such as Badlands and Granary, the kritz is still preferable for the same reasons. It is also fairly easy to destroy the occasional sentry you see on this map with stuff other than ubers, due to the maps being unfriendly to static defense.

Yes, you're right. A good medic thinks of the team.

However, a medic truly useful to me as a heavy is one that prioritizes me over everyone else.

Your team undoubtedly resents you, but yes, you're useful to me.

The medals do mean dominations, the thing at the bottom means how many dominations you've had in total.

I also remember that I like, three seconds later bow'd you in the head an got minen revenges.

As an aside, did you know the firefox browser comes with a built in spell check?

LONG OVERDUE UPDATE: NATASCHA CHANGES

In the latest patch, TF2 has been fundamentally altered. Now heavies are feared for the fact that they have a weapon that freezes enemies that are hit by it. As such, HERP DERP NATASCHA R TEH BEST

The slowing effect has been buffed to the point where you'll never notice the absence of 25% of your damage. Now go kill some kowards.